Leaning in to the Pain

I spoke earlier about some painful periods in my life and when I first began to recognize that pain might have some purpose behind it. Along with my faith in God comes a belief that there is intelligent design throughout the world, especially within the human body. That would suggest that God's design for humans to have a system intended to warn a person of pain was intentional and meant to assist with the goal of that human body- living as long as possible. 

This sounds pretty obvious, but if you really try to get your head around this concept, the concept that pain is something to be thankful for, that pain is a tool that is just as vital to our survival as oxygen, it can be a wild trip. 

Some of my favorite verses in the Bible are from James 1:2-4 and it says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." This is a similar thought as considering physical and emotional pain to be a useful and vital part of our existence which should make us glad. Those trials are making you strong. That pain is teaching you. Teaching you which way to go, what to do, what is worth your effort. 

When we first start to experience pain in our young lives, we experience it in a very concrete way. Your finger gets stuck in a door, you avoid the door. The cat hisses at you when you grab her tail so you run in the opposite direction. As our interaction with the world around us progresses and thus our processing of incoming information develops past the concrete level, it is important that our response to painful or unpleasant experiences evolve as well. Often it doesn't seem to work that way. We continue to run from pain or avoid unpleasant things despite understanding that things probably are a bit more complicated than we first understood. For example, when the cat hisses for grabbing her tail, we understand we can try again another day and avoid tugging. We may continue to maneuver around doors carefully, but we can reason within our minds why we got our finger stuck and avoid that behavior. We can evolve and develop a learned response based on these natural painful lessons. 

I think some of the best lessons are found when we face the challenge of leaning in to the pain when we get negative feedback in our lives. It takes a great amount of bravery to do this, so I'm not suggesting one takes on this challenge lightly. The stakes are larger if we lean in to the pain, right? If we have been betrayed by a lover in the past, trusting a new person means we may be betrayed again. Trying to get a promotion may mean we don't get it and face failure and humiliation when our peers find out. There are very large consequences that can truly negatively impact our lives if we face our fears. There is no point in denying or minimizing that reality. 

Still, despite that risk, avoiding the pain instead of leaning in to it can cost us so much more.  A hardness can creep around the heart, bitterness can fill the soul and flavor all of our interactions. The air on a spring day no longer smells as sweet. The future seems dark and scary due to all of the unknowns that lie before us. Life becomes weighty and cumbersome to maneuver. It is human nature to begin creating accommodations to avoid possible painful or uncomfortable situations and we see this in the mental health field almost constantly. This avoidance and compensation can develop in to panic disorder, agoraphobia, severe depression, hoarding behavior, substance abuse and so many other harmful and even life-threatening issues. 

When I am working with someone who has a series of well-developed behavioral preoccupations that have been created to avoid the possibility of pain, I often ask them one challenging question: If they took all of the energy they are using to avoid life and directed it towards facing the thing they are fearful of, can they imagine what amazing things they might be able to accomplish? 

You see, the days are going to pass regardless of how we spend them. If we lean in to the pain and face those fears, we may fall. We can get up again and move forward. We may fall again. Still, each time we rise again and press forward, we become stronger, we last longer between failures, we persevere and we become prepared for the greatest experience of life for which our bodies are designed. 

I've heard it said that when we die, we are meant to have exhausted our capacity. Our bodies should be worn and used, like the tools they are, to experience this life that has been set out before us. I think that includes our emotions as well. What might your pain be trying to teach you? What beauty might lie just past that pain you have been avoiding? I think you are worth finding out. I think we all are. 

Faking It

How do you handle your hardest moments? What do you turn to for comfort or guidance? Do you remember a time when you got past a hurdle in the past and try to duplicate the previous behaviors to see you through again? Maybe you call your closest friend and just vent until you start to see some brightness once again. But what do you do if the things that have always gotten you 'through' in the past just aren't working this time around?

Maybe you have never known that type of hollow feeling within that comes from not knowing what to do or think. If so, how wonderful! For me, however, that has not been the case. My mind is predisposed to critical thinking- which some could read 'cynical thinking'- and this leaves me questioning every piece of information I am given to some extent before deciding if I will accept this data at face value or if further review is needed. It is a sort of constant churning feeling within my brain that keeps me up many nights (such as this one, where I've struggled to sleep at all!).

This hasn't been all bad, of course. Honestly, most of the time I am thankful that God has given me the mind to be able to complete complex thought processes swiftly to assist in making the most logical choices I can that align with my personal values. Critical thinking is vital to ensure one is supporting a cause that is truly worth supporting and from mitigating risks in immeasurable ways.

So now that I have given my disclaimer regarding the merits of critical thinking, back to the difficult part. A trait that serves me well when working, this constant evaluation makes it difficult for me to take anything at "face value". If I am presented with an activity that my mind cannot identify a deeper meaning or purpose for, I am turned off instantly, aware of a dreadful feeling of wastefulness (i.e. why should I spend my time on something that has no meaning?). As a result, playing board games can't just be about the game- instead it is about the social interaction and bonding with loved ones or practicing social skills with a child I am working with. Listening to music is valuable to me because it represents the exchange of ideas or experiences from one human to another. Theater is treasured because it helps us understand feelings we have when we witnessed these 'mirrored' in captured moments on stage. A nap is valuable as it increases overall productivity and clarity of thoughts.

You get the idea.

This same process leaves me feeling jaded and isolated at times. When others around me seem content without a meaning being supplied, I am left searching internally. I have learned at those times it is usually best to attempt to assimilate as bringing up my unrest is often unsettling to others.

But I know I am not the only person who has this challenge. I meet many people that struggle with this hollow feeling after they have attempted to assimilate with others and fell short. They present during sessions with anxiety, depression, frustration, relationship issues, unrealized potential and poor self esteem, reaching out for help through therapy to help them figure out "what's wrong" with them. Most of the time, my response is to ask them why they are assuming no one else feels the same self doubt. I'm pretty sure none of us has it all figured out- a lot of us are just 'faking it 'til we make it' and hoping others approve. We see evidence of this through social phenomena such as group think, where strangers are prone to abandon their inner convictions to fit in with the crowd, encouraged by the positive feedback from those around them (i.e., if they are doing it, it must be right!)

It makes me wonder if most of us don't just try to ignore these 'dead end' thoughts because facing the unknown is just too difficult. For example, what do you do with existential questions? Does your faith satisfy all of these for you? Maybe it does. But what if it doesn't? I suppose this is the part where I am suppose to offer a suggested answer, but I think the point is that I don't have one either. I don't think we are meant to understand everything, but I admit the feeling of not knowing is 'icky' at best. It feels better to be in control, even though our logic tells us that isn't always possible. In fact, if we are honest with ourselves, we actually have very little control over anything.

I'm okay with that. It's okay when we don't have the answers and we don't know how to get ourselves out of the latest problem. It would be comforting to always have the answer, but I think in those moments, we just have to walk through that dark moment with an open heart, and allow ourselves to be lead by the only One who actually has all of the answers.

The Struggle is Real

Sometimes I feel like I have my life together. You know those days.. you get home from work and you don't feel completely wrecked for once. You aren't completely broke, your bills are all current, your kids are (basically) happy, you feel competent at your job and on the same page as your partner. Those days I feel like I could do anything I ever put my mind to, with just enough time afforded to me. My inner voice is telling me I could have been a lawyer, surgeon, powerful politician or famous singer if I had just chosen to focus my time on that subject instead of being a wife/mother/therapist. I'm lighter in my step and feel so strong that I am almost convinced that I'm God's gift to my family.

And then.. the opposite happens.

I wake up an hour late for my meeting and realize that my husband has done all of the parenting that morning- gotten the kids dressed, fed and off to school/daycare- while I drooled on my pillow dreaming about how awesome I am. I race to get out the door while trying to text my next client to say I am on my way but running late as I try to put my shoe on at the same time. I get down the road and run out of gas, only then realizing that I left my phone at home. I walk three blocks to a gas station and pay for an overpriced gas can and realize how totally out of shape I am as I waddle back to the car, shocked at the weight of five gallons of gas. I drive back home to get my phone and have to text my client to let them know that I will have to reschedule because I (unprofessionally) ran out of gas and text my next client that I will also be running late to see them as well. I get on the road and get a call from school reminding me that I was supposed to send my son with $10 for the book fair that day and I totally spaced that fact. I spill my drink on my clothes. I struggle through sessions searching frantically in my mind for the words to tell my client, feeling like a sham and totally incompetent. I contemplate referring my clients to other therapists just because I feel bad for them having me as their therapist. I get home and trip over a mountain of laundry by the back door and smell dinner cooking that my awesome husband is making (as he once again is basically the sole parent for my kids).

At that point, I feel like a huge burden to my family. How is it possible, I think, that I can be 33 and still not be able to get my laundry done routinely? How will my children ever grow up without needing therapy services themselves after being stuck with me as a mom? Why am I always messing up??

Today, as I sit here writing this, I have had a medium sort of day. I didn't suck today. I didn't rock. I just sort of 'was'. I met with a family who is really struggling right now and I was present enough during the session to be able to really listen. They were in that frame of mind I was describing before- really feeling horrible. Substance abuse, criminal convictions, evictions, broken relationships, and an extensive history of personal trauma weighed on this family as they tried to find something to hold on to- something to hope for and to encourage them. At that moment, with conviction, I started telling this family about the importance of perspective and challenging thoughts. I challenged them to consider how much stronger they are today than they would have been had they never been through these struggles. I suggested that having to navigate the criminal justice system had also developed so many other skills that would translate to the rest of their life. I reminded them that they appreciate their freedoms right now so much more than before their convictions because they truly knew what it was like to be behind bars, to have nothing, and to have to pay for the consequences of one's choices.

As I drove home (once again low on gas), it just hit me how hypocritical I am at times. My relationship with Christ lead me to read James 1:2-4 years ago, which taught me to '2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.' I remember being a teenager and first contemplating the concept that struggles could be a good thing. In both of the scenarios I described.. the days that I feel awesome and the days that I feel awful, I am missing the point. The real growth, the true 'gold' in my life has been during the struggle. That is where I have been tested and stretched and forced to act. Those were the moments when I was able to realize what actually mattered to me and what was more or less just 'talk'.

I guess I am saying that as we all travel on the 'struggle bus' through life, we should be more appreciative of the ride. We should embrace the struggle.  When we are having an awesome day, we should be humble and remember that being so 'great' has only happened to us as a result of coming through a bunch of crap and not giving up. We should use that realization to encourage us when the crap comes piling back on us again- because we all know it will eventually. What goes up must come down, etc.

We shouldn't lie to ourselves at either point in our life, telling ourselves that we miraculously achieved some success because we are just naturally amazing or that we basically messed up all day because we are just naturally awful. Both concepts are lies, I think. We are going to have good and bad days, but what if we took a moment and were actually thankful for the bad ones? What in your life do you think you appreciate now more because you had to work for it and it was not just given to you? There are so many things that have been made richer in life because I had to work for them. For me, I am thankful for the reminder and saying a big 'thank you' for the crummy days that may come.

Think positive!
~Lisa

When you struggle with Faith

For those who may not know much about me, my family has been involved with the Christian church throughout all of my life. My father is a pastor for the protestant United Methodist Church and has been since I was in elementary school. I enjoyed the innocence of youth for as long as possible, but existential questions continued to periodically disturb me. I recall being unable to go back to sleep as a youth, talking on the couch with my mother about worries that Heaven may not even exist and fears that religion was just a giant story that made people feel better when they feared having a meaningless life. Yes- my mother did not have it easy!

Her response was always a calm confidence, a subtle shrug of the shoulder as she stated that she just never doubted the existence of God and Heaven and that she has always concretely and securely held the Bible to be the true word of God. I found a comfort in her confidence, but it never lasted long as I was painfully aware that even my mother was simply a human and was capable of error.

So what do you do when you struggle with your faith? Do you find yourself coming to a cross roads in your mind, attempting to deliberate what is factual and what is fantasy? Do you ever find the concept of faith requiring blind trust to be just a bit too convenient? Do you ever feel that shame is used to keep minds from inquiring or asking too many questions? Do you ever feel that you would be a better human if you could just blindly trust?

Because I have felt that way. And I don't think it makes any sense.

In fact, if God created us humans in His image, our curiosity and probing thoughts are most likely by the Creator's design and something quite intentional. I feel more convicted of this reality when considering how common the experience of either avoiding existential thoughts/debates or struggling through such thoughts is for all of us. Why would all humans (or at least many humans) have this same experience if it was not intended?

Consider your own parenting techniques- or the way you were parented or educated if you have not attempted to raise your own children. We encourage curiosity, an inquisitive nature, in our children. We want them to learn from mistakes- to not fear making mistakes. We understand that there are some lessons that cannot be taught with words alone and that experiences must be included. We recognize that things written as knowledge are often temporary and should be updated and amended as new discoveries are made in this world. I often hear myself challenging students I have taught or clients I work with to attempt to prove their opposition's points instead of only focusing on proving their own view. My argument here is that this practice will either expose one's own biases or deepen one's convictions- but either way, the effort put in to this process will deepen understanding and lead to a more ethical and fair existence.

Now imagine your child growing just as you lead them to and they come to you, questioning what you have taught them- attempting to argue against the values and beliefs you have raised them with. Maybe you have already experienced this. How do you respond? Do you shame them for questioning your integrity or validity? Do you reject them due to their lack of steadfast faith in your teachings? Unfortunately, I am aware that many parents and teachers do just those things, but of course those choices are bad. Hopefully, if one is not a hypocrite and actually desires to encourage growth instead of stifle it, a parent in that position must welcome this argument and value their child for examining so closely.

And if God is my father, and so infinitely stronger than I, I am certain He welcomes my doubts and my questioning. I am certain that He does not feel threatened by my questions or struggles- why would He? Is the existence of God diminished in any way by one questioning it or saying that it is not real? Of course not.

In fact, I feel that God's intentional design for all of us to inherently question in our existence is a giant gift to us all- a level of freedom that He wants us all to have. He did not have to give us the ability to think in such ways. He has designed so many other creatures and organisms in this world that do not have the burden of these thoughts. Only us, created in His image.

I wonder next what His intention must be with having us struggle with Faith. I doubt any of our design is by accident as all of Creation is so beautifully constructed. Is it to evaluate our religion? To examine our leaders to ensure they are actually following God's design for our lives? To model a way of living that requires analysis and appraisal and critical thought before moving forward? A way to connect us all as we ponder and discuss these things? God and religion are not mutually exclusive in my opinion. I have been too intimately connected with too many 'religious' people who were corrupt and abusive of their position.

Now, I am not saying that all religious leaders are corrupt, but I have developed a healthy need to closely examine any religious institution or individuals I connect with. I heard it said many times before that the biggest barrier for other's to come to Christ are 'Christians', and unfortunately I think this has much truth to it. If you have ever struggled with your faith and come to a church or religious individual to talk about this and experienced shame or a smug display of unrelenting steadfast faith, you likely know what I am talking about.

I believe God wants us to ask questions- he so often engages in questioning dialogue with his children in scripture. And my response to 'struggling' with my faith is to re-frame that and to cease considering it a 'struggle', but instead to embrace the constant questioning and exploration that living a faithful life brings. The very fact that people feel the need to say they 'struggle with faith' implies it should be easy if only they were somehow 'better' at being a faithful person. I suggest we all challenge our Faith routinely, examining our thoughts and ensuring we know what exactly we believe and why we believe it. I won't struggle with that.