Positively Negative

What makes you mad? Can you think of a few things that just set you off? I sure can. Stepping on Legos after telling my 8 year old to put them up five times per minute. Getting the silent treatment from my 16 year old when he doesn't like the way a conversation is headed. Forgetting that my freshly painted nails aren't quite set and shoving my hand in my pocket- dreading to pull my hand back out to see the damage. Waking up from an awesome dream and realizing that it wasn't real. Waiting. Waiting is the WORST. Getting older is pretty lame too thus far in the body pain department. It seems each birthday, nature ties a bow on a brand new custom designed part of my body that says 'HA,  YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THAT NOW!' . Hearing my five year old daughter tell me that my taste in clothes is "grandma-y" or that the hair style I was proud of looks "poofy" and that I must be going for the the "messy hair, don't care" look. Seriously thought I would have about ten more years before I got those comments from her.

And then of course there are the big things. Death. Poverty. War. Hate crimes. Terrorism. All kinds of injustices are out there and those set me off too. Feeling powerless is also a pretty awful feeling. When you get to thinking about it, there is actually so much negativity in the world that it can start to feel pretty overwhelming.

Quickly this can grow in to an entire state of mind- I have seen it in myself and also with many people I have worked with. I call it the state of being 'Positively Negative'. In a session, I would try to describe this as a pattern of thoughts that appear determined to turn any potentially positive scenario or experience in to a negative one- much like the "glass half empty vs. half full" approach. The difference from the glass metaphor is that a person trapped in this type of thinking often becomes so comforted with the habit of turning life towards the negative that it becomes an entire lifestyle approach.

Pervasive and stubborn, quickly a positively negative thought process can appear to be the truth and viewing a situation as positive can begin to seem naive. Cynicism becomes stronger and a whole myriad of defense mechanisms jump in to their crabby pants and join the debate going on in the brain. Isn't it gullible to think the best of people? What if you trust someone and they betray you like so and so did before? What is the point of looking at the rainbows if you're stuck standing in mud?

Well, I guess that is the question. What is the point? Is there one?

Naturally, I think there is or I wouldn't do what I do or be who I am. I think it takes bravery to be positive. It takes strength to trust someone or something. It takes determination to take control of your thoughts and force them to look at the positive things in the world. There are a lot of tools out there that can help us strengthen our minds, but here are a few to consider:

1) Argue with Yourself
Don't go with the first thought that enters your head. It probably wasn't critically thought out and was impulsive in nature. Thoughts are important and their implications are serious! Make sure you have tried to disprove a negative thought you have to make sure you are correct before you hold on to that for long. Just like voting or getting in to a relationship, you need to really understand as much as you can before you take action to make sure you are making the best choice.

2) Be Patient with Yourself
Change is hard. Really, really hard. Changing from a negative outlook to a positive one is no different and won't happen immediately. So, if you catch yourself being negative, it's okay. Don't focus on the "relapse" and instead measure your success. Did you have less negative thoughts this week than last week? HOORAH! Progress!

3) Make Yourself Compliment Someone Else
Admittedly, we live in a pretty private society, so you have to be smart about how you do this so that you are respecting people's boundaries. It can be hard to speak up to a stranger, but I promise, it is worth the process! Make sure your compliment is TRUE and genuine, or the whole practice is pointless and can actually hurt people. Did they do a great job presenting their report at work? Do they have on a nice shirt? Are they funny? The more you practice INTENTIONALLY looking for the good in others, the more you will train your mind to find the positive in life.

4) Be honest so your "Bull Crap Meter" doesn't go off
Yes, it sounds great being all positive, but of course some things truly are awful. I mentioned that earlier and I absolutely agree that negativity is founded at times. As a result, if you are not honest with yourself while you are out there in the world looking for positive and determined to be joyful, your internal thoughts will call "bull" on the whole process and you'll be worse off than when you began. It is important that you are honest with yourself when you are identifying things to focus on.

These are things that work for me, but there are many other things to try. Have you tried to get out of a negative place before? What works for you?

Leaning in to the Pain

I spoke earlier about some painful periods in my life and when I first began to recognize that pain might have some purpose behind it. Along with my faith in God comes a belief that there is intelligent design throughout the world, especially within the human body. That would suggest that God's design for humans to have a system intended to warn a person of pain was intentional and meant to assist with the goal of that human body- living as long as possible. 

This sounds pretty obvious, but if you really try to get your head around this concept, the concept that pain is something to be thankful for, that pain is a tool that is just as vital to our survival as oxygen, it can be a wild trip. 

Some of my favorite verses in the Bible are from James 1:2-4 and it says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." This is a similar thought as considering physical and emotional pain to be a useful and vital part of our existence which should make us glad. Those trials are making you strong. That pain is teaching you. Teaching you which way to go, what to do, what is worth your effort. 

When we first start to experience pain in our young lives, we experience it in a very concrete way. Your finger gets stuck in a door, you avoid the door. The cat hisses at you when you grab her tail so you run in the opposite direction. As our interaction with the world around us progresses and thus our processing of incoming information develops past the concrete level, it is important that our response to painful or unpleasant experiences evolve as well. Often it doesn't seem to work that way. We continue to run from pain or avoid unpleasant things despite understanding that things probably are a bit more complicated than we first understood. For example, when the cat hisses for grabbing her tail, we understand we can try again another day and avoid tugging. We may continue to maneuver around doors carefully, but we can reason within our minds why we got our finger stuck and avoid that behavior. We can evolve and develop a learned response based on these natural painful lessons. 

I think some of the best lessons are found when we face the challenge of leaning in to the pain when we get negative feedback in our lives. It takes a great amount of bravery to do this, so I'm not suggesting one takes on this challenge lightly. The stakes are larger if we lean in to the pain, right? If we have been betrayed by a lover in the past, trusting a new person means we may be betrayed again. Trying to get a promotion may mean we don't get it and face failure and humiliation when our peers find out. There are very large consequences that can truly negatively impact our lives if we face our fears. There is no point in denying or minimizing that reality. 

Still, despite that risk, avoiding the pain instead of leaning in to it can cost us so much more.  A hardness can creep around the heart, bitterness can fill the soul and flavor all of our interactions. The air on a spring day no longer smells as sweet. The future seems dark and scary due to all of the unknowns that lie before us. Life becomes weighty and cumbersome to maneuver. It is human nature to begin creating accommodations to avoid possible painful or uncomfortable situations and we see this in the mental health field almost constantly. This avoidance and compensation can develop in to panic disorder, agoraphobia, severe depression, hoarding behavior, substance abuse and so many other harmful and even life-threatening issues. 

When I am working with someone who has a series of well-developed behavioral preoccupations that have been created to avoid the possibility of pain, I often ask them one challenging question: If they took all of the energy they are using to avoid life and directed it towards facing the thing they are fearful of, can they imagine what amazing things they might be able to accomplish? 

You see, the days are going to pass regardless of how we spend them. If we lean in to the pain and face those fears, we may fall. We can get up again and move forward. We may fall again. Still, each time we rise again and press forward, we become stronger, we last longer between failures, we persevere and we become prepared for the greatest experience of life for which our bodies are designed. 

I've heard it said that when we die, we are meant to have exhausted our capacity. Our bodies should be worn and used, like the tools they are, to experience this life that has been set out before us. I think that includes our emotions as well. What might your pain be trying to teach you? What beauty might lie just past that pain you have been avoiding? I think you are worth finding out. I think we all are. 

Nociceptors

Nociceptor. 18 year old Me sat in a lecture hall at Ball State University trying to hide the fact that she was in over her head. Nociceptor. What the hell was that? And how was I ever going to master not only that term but the thousands of other new concepts that were being slung at me?

I knew I wanted to be the greatest version of myself some day, and I had set out to college to begin that journey. Being a third generation employee of a nursing home and having recently pushed my way from Laundry Assistant to Certified Nurse Aid, I personally felt that being a Director of Nursing or Administrator was the ideal pinnacle to which I should be reaching. Filled with the false confidence of my youth, I felt convicted that I had taken a thorough and exhaustive survey of my possible prospects and had successfully identified my life's calling. I was going to be a nurse. I was also going to be a professional vocalist as I had been accepted after audition in to BSU's music program. I was also going to be married by that summer to a virtual stranger (that's another story for another day) and immediately begin the process of having children. I intended to do all of this while becoming wealthy and well-traveled all before the age of 30. It seemed like I had forever and thus the small detail that I had no idea of how to actually accomplish these goals appeared irrelevant. I had identified myself as being extraordinary and above statistical odds. I found the idea of being normal terrifying- a claustrophobic concept to be confined to any identified limit.

One small problem- I was clueless. It didn't take long to have the extent of my cluelessness forced down my throat. Every domain of my life quickly began forcing lessons on me. Classes covered topics that were truly novel, leaving me in an unfamiliar puzzled nature as straight A's had come easily to me in high school. Credit card companies that so willingly provided me with shiny new pieces of plastic began wanting money each month. My distant and manipulative husband-to-be obtained a new interest and betrayed my trust. My built in human alarm clock (thanks mom) was no longer living with me and I wondered what moron scheduled me for an 8am Anatomy course across campus. My last living grandparent died right around Thanksgiving that first year of adult hood and I suddenly realized the family logical progression towards the grave had an entire generation less of buffering spaces between myself and the end remaining.

As I lie in my dark dorm room after skipping yet another day of classes, I played depressing music and tried to feel anything but pain. I sucked the joy out of everyone around me like a black hole. I wasn't even half way through my freshman year at BSU and the entirety of my future loomed ahead of me like an engulfing void of hopelessness. My GPA had gone from nearly perfect in high school to failing. My marriage would not be happening. I would not be having children any time soon. Or traveling the world. Or becoming wealthy. Or doing much of anything for that matter. Wanting to put off the inevitable "walk of shame" back to my home town, I delayed the process for another wasteful and expensive semester, allowing myself to be on academic probation while continuing to accumulate student loans, ruin my withdrawal average and strain even the closest of relationships as I keened in agony and hopelessness. Wallowing in my self-pity and praying for death. I have a chilling memory of being on the phone with my mother in the middle of the night, begging her to stop being "selfish" by telling me I couldn't kill myself.

Being a mother today, I can't imagine how my mother got through that phone call.

I began telling everyone that I wouldn't live past the age of 23 years old. It became a sort of challenge to myself, a way of telling myelf it was okay to get up and try again because I wasn't really investing much hope in to this thing called 'life'- I was checking out by 23 anyway. I melodramatically planned my funeral. I told my best friend to make sure the correct Bob Dylan song was played and that yellow roses- only yellow roses- be present on my coffin. I attempted suicide several times.

Unfortunately, this went on for most of my young adulthood to some extent. I was forced to leave BSU after failing my second semester and attempted to convince myself that I had "chosen" to take a break from school as I moved back in to my childhood home again. I repainted my childhood bedroom and sang angry man-hating music. I drank and partied as much as I could. I just wanted to be numb. It seemed that every nociceptor in my body was firing at the same time.

That term had stuck in my head from that early Anatomy class, and I'm not sure why. Nociceptors are the sensory receptors in the human body that alert us of painful stimuli. They allow us to respond to potential threats in our environment. Nociceptors are the only reason humans "feel" pain. One theory as to why this term stuck in my mind was that I felt smart knowing what it meant. Another is that it instigated an awareness on some subconscious level that began to develop upon first learning about the term. I don't think I was capable of enough critical thinking to explore what the existence of this anatomical feature meant for the rest of my understanding of life.

Today, it makes more sense to me. This was the first time I had been introduced to the concept of our reactions to pain being mechanical and not emotional. It would follow then that a change in that mechanical response could mean that our experience of pain could be entirely different. In other words, I was realizing that I was not just a "victim" to the pain I experienced in life but instead was merely reacting to a signal that was firing in my body. I couldn't grasp the implications of that understanding at the time, but I was definitely aware of the pain I was feeling.

I was disillusioned with life. I began questioning everything, including my faith in God. I felt shame and I was embarrassed. I had represented some great hope to my family and even to my community when I left to go to college. I had excelled in school and it was expected that I would continue to excel in at least some modest way. My father had been a pastor since I was in elementary school and a faithless and sinful young adult was not something he would want everyone knowing about (even if he would never want to hurt me by making me feel that way). I knew what was expected of me after sitting in the preacher's family pew for all of those years, as well as sitting at all of the award ceremonies as I went through school. There was a 'right way' and a 'wrong way' and I was in the wrong. Every ambitious part of me that had thought I might be able to create a third option had been defeated in the first battle of my adulthood. I felt like a burn victim with all of my  nerves exposed. I couldn't find any relief. I feared the idea of physical death and eternal damnation but also longed to no longer 'be'.

The specifics of my odyssey from this place of self-doubt and self-hatred to where I am today are complex and lengthy. I deliver them in anecdotes when they seem useful or relevant to others and I don't think they are needed here, at least not right now. At some point, or rather at varying points over many years, I began to learn when and how to ignore the messages my nociceptors were sending to me and when to use these messages to my advantage.

The point of sharing these details is to demonstrate where I come from when I state that I have known pain and also have not known how to deal with that pain. I am no longer experiencing that pain. Thus, it would follow that I now know something about dealing with this pain and being able to thrive again, at least in some way. That is what I am wanting to talk more about in this portion of my story. That is where I feel there may be some value in sharing my thoughts to others.

I haven't written often in this blog as I have this strong desire to "get it right" in this space. I have written portions of my thoughts throughout the years and when I look back at them later, I struggle not to groan at my lazy prose, full of cliches and indications that I wasn't really sure what I thought about something despite writing as if I had convictions about a topic. I am no longer an impulsive young adult who is eager to jump on popular bandwagons of thought and I don't want anything I share here to be done "half way". I want to do better because I truly do care about the principles I am discussing here. Ultimately, I am committing to myself to follow up this post soon as I have so much more I want to share about my experience with pain. I hope you will come back to read more and that any part of my story might be a help to others.

Faking It

How do you handle your hardest moments? What do you turn to for comfort or guidance? Do you remember a time when you got past a hurdle in the past and try to duplicate the previous behaviors to see you through again? Maybe you call your closest friend and just vent until you start to see some brightness once again. But what do you do if the things that have always gotten you 'through' in the past just aren't working this time around?

Maybe you have never known that type of hollow feeling within that comes from not knowing what to do or think. If so, how wonderful! For me, however, that has not been the case. My mind is predisposed to critical thinking- which some could read 'cynical thinking'- and this leaves me questioning every piece of information I am given to some extent before deciding if I will accept this data at face value or if further review is needed. It is a sort of constant churning feeling within my brain that keeps me up many nights (such as this one, where I've struggled to sleep at all!).

This hasn't been all bad, of course. Honestly, most of the time I am thankful that God has given me the mind to be able to complete complex thought processes swiftly to assist in making the most logical choices I can that align with my personal values. Critical thinking is vital to ensure one is supporting a cause that is truly worth supporting and from mitigating risks in immeasurable ways.

So now that I have given my disclaimer regarding the merits of critical thinking, back to the difficult part. A trait that serves me well when working, this constant evaluation makes it difficult for me to take anything at "face value". If I am presented with an activity that my mind cannot identify a deeper meaning or purpose for, I am turned off instantly, aware of a dreadful feeling of wastefulness (i.e. why should I spend my time on something that has no meaning?). As a result, playing board games can't just be about the game- instead it is about the social interaction and bonding with loved ones or practicing social skills with a child I am working with. Listening to music is valuable to me because it represents the exchange of ideas or experiences from one human to another. Theater is treasured because it helps us understand feelings we have when we witnessed these 'mirrored' in captured moments on stage. A nap is valuable as it increases overall productivity and clarity of thoughts.

You get the idea.

This same process leaves me feeling jaded and isolated at times. When others around me seem content without a meaning being supplied, I am left searching internally. I have learned at those times it is usually best to attempt to assimilate as bringing up my unrest is often unsettling to others.

But I know I am not the only person who has this challenge. I meet many people that struggle with this hollow feeling after they have attempted to assimilate with others and fell short. They present during sessions with anxiety, depression, frustration, relationship issues, unrealized potential and poor self esteem, reaching out for help through therapy to help them figure out "what's wrong" with them. Most of the time, my response is to ask them why they are assuming no one else feels the same self doubt. I'm pretty sure none of us has it all figured out- a lot of us are just 'faking it 'til we make it' and hoping others approve. We see evidence of this through social phenomena such as group think, where strangers are prone to abandon their inner convictions to fit in with the crowd, encouraged by the positive feedback from those around them (i.e., if they are doing it, it must be right!)

It makes me wonder if most of us don't just try to ignore these 'dead end' thoughts because facing the unknown is just too difficult. For example, what do you do with existential questions? Does your faith satisfy all of these for you? Maybe it does. But what if it doesn't? I suppose this is the part where I am suppose to offer a suggested answer, but I think the point is that I don't have one either. I don't think we are meant to understand everything, but I admit the feeling of not knowing is 'icky' at best. It feels better to be in control, even though our logic tells us that isn't always possible. In fact, if we are honest with ourselves, we actually have very little control over anything.

I'm okay with that. It's okay when we don't have the answers and we don't know how to get ourselves out of the latest problem. It would be comforting to always have the answer, but I think in those moments, we just have to walk through that dark moment with an open heart, and allow ourselves to be lead by the only One who actually has all of the answers.

The Struggle is Real

Sometimes I feel like I have my life together. You know those days.. you get home from work and you don't feel completely wrecked for once. You aren't completely broke, your bills are all current, your kids are (basically) happy, you feel competent at your job and on the same page as your partner. Those days I feel like I could do anything I ever put my mind to, with just enough time afforded to me. My inner voice is telling me I could have been a lawyer, surgeon, powerful politician or famous singer if I had just chosen to focus my time on that subject instead of being a wife/mother/therapist. I'm lighter in my step and feel so strong that I am almost convinced that I'm God's gift to my family.

And then.. the opposite happens.

I wake up an hour late for my meeting and realize that my husband has done all of the parenting that morning- gotten the kids dressed, fed and off to school/daycare- while I drooled on my pillow dreaming about how awesome I am. I race to get out the door while trying to text my next client to say I am on my way but running late as I try to put my shoe on at the same time. I get down the road and run out of gas, only then realizing that I left my phone at home. I walk three blocks to a gas station and pay for an overpriced gas can and realize how totally out of shape I am as I waddle back to the car, shocked at the weight of five gallons of gas. I drive back home to get my phone and have to text my client to let them know that I will have to reschedule because I (unprofessionally) ran out of gas and text my next client that I will also be running late to see them as well. I get on the road and get a call from school reminding me that I was supposed to send my son with $10 for the book fair that day and I totally spaced that fact. I spill my drink on my clothes. I struggle through sessions searching frantically in my mind for the words to tell my client, feeling like a sham and totally incompetent. I contemplate referring my clients to other therapists just because I feel bad for them having me as their therapist. I get home and trip over a mountain of laundry by the back door and smell dinner cooking that my awesome husband is making (as he once again is basically the sole parent for my kids).

At that point, I feel like a huge burden to my family. How is it possible, I think, that I can be 33 and still not be able to get my laundry done routinely? How will my children ever grow up without needing therapy services themselves after being stuck with me as a mom? Why am I always messing up??

Today, as I sit here writing this, I have had a medium sort of day. I didn't suck today. I didn't rock. I just sort of 'was'. I met with a family who is really struggling right now and I was present enough during the session to be able to really listen. They were in that frame of mind I was describing before- really feeling horrible. Substance abuse, criminal convictions, evictions, broken relationships, and an extensive history of personal trauma weighed on this family as they tried to find something to hold on to- something to hope for and to encourage them. At that moment, with conviction, I started telling this family about the importance of perspective and challenging thoughts. I challenged them to consider how much stronger they are today than they would have been had they never been through these struggles. I suggested that having to navigate the criminal justice system had also developed so many other skills that would translate to the rest of their life. I reminded them that they appreciate their freedoms right now so much more than before their convictions because they truly knew what it was like to be behind bars, to have nothing, and to have to pay for the consequences of one's choices.

As I drove home (once again low on gas), it just hit me how hypocritical I am at times. My relationship with Christ lead me to read James 1:2-4 years ago, which taught me to '2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.' I remember being a teenager and first contemplating the concept that struggles could be a good thing. In both of the scenarios I described.. the days that I feel awesome and the days that I feel awful, I am missing the point. The real growth, the true 'gold' in my life has been during the struggle. That is where I have been tested and stretched and forced to act. Those were the moments when I was able to realize what actually mattered to me and what was more or less just 'talk'.

I guess I am saying that as we all travel on the 'struggle bus' through life, we should be more appreciative of the ride. We should embrace the struggle.  When we are having an awesome day, we should be humble and remember that being so 'great' has only happened to us as a result of coming through a bunch of crap and not giving up. We should use that realization to encourage us when the crap comes piling back on us again- because we all know it will eventually. What goes up must come down, etc.

We shouldn't lie to ourselves at either point in our life, telling ourselves that we miraculously achieved some success because we are just naturally amazing or that we basically messed up all day because we are just naturally awful. Both concepts are lies, I think. We are going to have good and bad days, but what if we took a moment and were actually thankful for the bad ones? What in your life do you think you appreciate now more because you had to work for it and it was not just given to you? There are so many things that have been made richer in life because I had to work for them. For me, I am thankful for the reminder and saying a big 'thank you' for the crummy days that may come.

Think positive!
~Lisa

When a haircut isn't "JUST" a haircut

I'm not sure about all of you, but I have struggled being over weight since I was in elementary school. This has lead to a life of "lessons" given to me (many not asked for) about what I should or should not do with my appearance. Certain outfits, colors, jewelry, hair cuts, make up and activities just "didn't flatter" me. For a long time, I accepted this, adopting a mentality of inferiority, trusting that those that were thinner were somehow more qualified than me to know what was best for big women.

Then I started to see this change in the world around me.. over weight women designing more clothes and looks that met the honest needs and desires of curvy women who don't want to wait to feel great about their look. And I realized soon after that the largest difference between myself and these women was CONFIDENCE.

So I began making changes in small ways here and there in my thoughts, realizing that most of the time the message that an outfit wasn't for "someone like me" were coming from my own mind. That nonsense needed to stop!

One of those changes I made was with my hair.. I have always been told that round faces don't mix with short hair and that it wouldn't "frame my face well".. code for "may make you look bigger". Through this process, I decided it is my life and I should stop living in fear. So I chopped it off!

I loved how it felt but didn't know how to style it at first.. checked out some tutorials and started using this straightener product, and I love it!

So, what's the point of this story? That a 'hair cut' isn't always just a 'hair cut'. That we doubt ourselves and place our own limits on ourselves. That you should go for 'it'! Whatever your 'it' may be!

Why You Should Conquer Shame and Guilt- and How to Do It

You know what you want for yourself- your hopes and dreams, goals for yourself- but you doubt your ability to get to that place. Thoughts race through your mind as you think of the odds of what you stand against. Will I be strong enough? Will anyone care or stand behind me? Will I fail? If I fall on my face, how will I handle the ridicule, the mocking, the shame? An old familiar twinge burns in the pit of your stomach as you recall the last time you tried to defy the odds against you or remember the  hurtful words of someone telling you that you were stupid, too slow, too young, too old, too weak, too eager, not eager enough, etc. and a blanket of doubt covers you with a crippling weight.

Stuck. Paralyzed. Frustrated. Defeated. You resign yourself to go another day without reaching for what you truly want. And as the years go on, the doubts grow in number, accompanied with the sting of regret for not having taken a chance on yourself earlier. Isn’t it too late now?

If you have experienced anything close to these feelings, these words are for you. Many of us have experienced moments of shame (I am bad) or feel guilty about choices we have or have not made (I did something bad). We punish ourselves in various ways- avoiding investing in our dreams, telling ourselves hateful things, numbing out the pain of these feelings by using substances, over eating, spending money on distractions, isolating ourselves from others to minimize the risk of pain if we were to be rejected by someone else. All the while not acknowledging the fact that we cannot pick and choose which feelings we numb, ultimately leaving ourselves unable to feel joy, passion, pride, happiness or peace at the same time (Brown, 2010).

What if all of this pain was actually self-inflicted? A giant system of internal lies that has the ability to paralyze and damage? That would be something to get angry about- something to fight against and to work to defeat.  Research shows us that these feelings of shame and guilt are only as strong as the perception of the problem. We see this through history as perceptions on values and lifestyles change and that which seemed shameful- a working woman/mother for example- is now perceived as a sign of strength and selflessness by many. If our perceptions change about ourselves, the power of negative thinking becomes weaker each moment.

Dr. Brene Brown has dedicated her professional research to studying human behavior related to shame, guilt and vulnerability and offers a great deal of insight on the topic. Calling shame the ‘swampland of the soul’, Dr. Brown defines shame as being the fear of being disconnected from others, explaining that connection is why human beings exist and what gives meaning to lives. When a person feels they have made a mistake in some way, the fear of being seen as unworthy to be connected with by others results in the feeling of shame- a mental process that happens entirely inside one’s mind and relies purely on the perception of others. Dr. Brown’s research argues that people who consistently identified as having a large sense of love and belonging were also those that scored highly on feeling they were worth that love and belonging. Without the internal perception of being worth being loved, shame was present and individuals remained disconnected from others.

Dr. Brown also argues that these internal doubtful thoughts lead people to resist making themselves vulnerable with others. To admit they have made a mistake, that someone else has a better idea or is more effective, presents a risk for many as they fear being ridiculed and found to be unworthy of connection with others. 

The birthplace of healing and defeat of internal shame begins with allowing one self to be vulnerable, and to extend compassion and empathy to others as well. Once more people become willing to be vulnerable as well, they begin to truly see one another for who they really are and the strongest connections are able to form. We see this in strong long-term relationships, but often the vulnerability within these relationships was not offered willingly, but is the result of being around the same person for such a long time that you have witnessed the other’s weaknesses- such as the life long friend who ‘knows too much’ to ever leave. Healing and courage is strongest when people are willing to be vulnerable on their own, acknowledging that the internal doubting thoughts of ‘shame’ are lies and should be ignored. This is not necessarily an easy task, but as Dr. Brown states, “Vulnerability is not easy, but it is beautiful.”

So how can you start to change your own feelings of shame or doubt? One good practice is to journal- jotting brief notes when one of these thoughts enters in. Think about the details of the thought, where it came from, when you started having these thoughts, what things bring that thought back to the forefront of the mind. Looking back at these notes, begin to see what evidence actually exists to support the negative thoughts, beyond your perceptions. Are these thoughts founded? This practice can help to take the power out of these thoughts. It is also helpful to respond to each negative thought by forcing your mind to affirm something true and positive about yourself- especially if it challenges the doubtful thought. Surround yourself with others who are positive and are interested in connecting in genuine ways. Extend empathy to others who are feeling shame or doubt. As you watch their feelings change, you will see how flexible your thoughts can be. All of these practices will lead to internal acceptance, a sense of peace and an increased ability to be vulnerable with the rest of the world- removing the power that shame and guilt once had over you. And that is the place where dreams become reality- a life without limitations. 

LOVE YOURSELF!

To have overall happiness, addressing physical health issues as well as emotional issues has to be a priority. Sometimes this is much easier said than done! I know that has been very true for me throughout my life. I work now as a mental health therapist and love to learn more from others about ways to release emotional 'road blocks' for myself as well as for others. To feel open to have joy and happiness without wearing the weight of guilt and shame- this is the happiest personal feeling I have ever had.

I know what it is to feel insignificant- even worthless. To doubt oneself so highly that you don't know how to go on for another day. To feel lost inside oneself somehow- to feel you don't even know who you are. And thankfully, I was able to find guidance and love to realize the beauty within the design of my life, no matter the pain and struggles that may come along. I strive to offer that same guidance for others and feel blessed if I am able to help in any way. We all need one another, and there is no weakness in that. I want to shout that from the mountains after all of the years I have witnessed hundreds hold on to the same thought- that needing help from others was shameful, was wrong, was weak- needing one another is how we are designed. It is not a weakness. 

This area is dedicated to topics related to reaching better health- both physically and emotionally. Sharing thoughts and discussing feelings is a wonderful thing- I welcome all of that! 

Why You Should Conquer Shame and Guilt- and How to Do It

You know what you want for yourself- your hopes and dreams, goals for yourself- but you doubt your ability to get to that place. Thoughts race through your mind as you think of the odds of what you stand against. Will I be strong enough? Will anyone care or stand behind me? Will I fail? If I fall on my face, how will I handle the ridicule, the mocking, the shame? An old familiar twinge burns in the pit of your stomach as you recall the last time you tried to defy the odds against you or remember the  hurtful words of someone telling you that you were stupid, too slow, too young, too old, too weak, too eager, not eager enough, etc. and a blanket of doubt covers you with a crippling weight.

Stuck. Paralyzed. Frustrated. Defeated. You resign yourself to go another day without reaching for what you truly want. And as the years go on, the doubts grow in number, accompanied with the sting of regret for not having taken a chance on yourself earlier. Isn’t it too late now?

If you have experienced anything close to these feelings, these words are for you. Many of us have experienced moments of shame (I am bad) or feel guilty about choices we have or have not made (I did something bad). We punish ourselves in various ways- avoiding investing in our dreams, telling ourselves hateful things, numbing out the pain of these feelings by using substances, over eating, spending money on distractions, isolating ourselves from others to minimize the risk of pain if we were to be rejected by someone else. All the while not acknowledging the fact that we cannot pick and choose which feelings we numb, ultimately leaving ourselves unable to feel joy, passion, pride, happiness or peace at the same time (Brown, 2010).

What if all of this pain was actually self-inflicted? A giant system of internal lies that has the ability to paralyze and damage? That would be something to get angry about- something to fight against and to work to defeat.  Research shows us that these feelings of shame and guilt are only as strong as the perception of the problem. We see this through history as perceptions on values and lifestyles change and that which seemed shameful- a working woman/mother for example- is now perceived as a sign of strength and selflessness by many. If our perceptions change about ourselves, the power of negative thinking becomes weaker each moment.

Dr. Brene Brown has dedicated her professional research to studying human behavior related to shame, guilt and vulnerability and offers a great deal of insight on the topic. Calling shame the ‘swampland of the soul’, Dr. Brown defines shame as being the fear of being disconnected from others, explaining that connection is why human beings exist and what gives meaning to lives. When a person feels they have made a mistake in some way, the fear of being seen as unworthy to be connected with by others results in the feeling of shame- a mental process that happens entirely inside one’s mind and relies purely on the perception of others. Dr. Brown’s research argues that people who consistently identified as having a large sense of love and belonging were also those that scored highly on feeling they were worth that love and belonging. Without the internal perception of being worth being loved, shame was present and individuals remained disconnected from others.

Dr. Brown also argues that these internal doubtful thoughts lead people to resist making themselves vulnerable with others. To admit they have made a mistake, that someone else has a better idea or is more effective, presents a risk for many as they fear being ridiculed and found to be unworthy of connection with others. 

The birthplace of healing and defeat of internal shame begins with allowing one self to be vulnerable, and to extend compassion and empathy to others as well. Once more people become willing to be vulnerable as well, they begin to truly see one another for who they really are and the strongest connections are able to form. We see this in strong long-term relationships, but often the vulnerability within these relationships was not offered willingly, but is the result of being around the same person for such a long time that you have witnessed the other’s weaknesses- such as the life long friend who ‘knows too much’ to ever leave. Healing and courage is strongest when people are willing to be vulnerable on their own, acknowledging that the internal doubting thoughts of ‘shame’ are lies and should be ignored. This is not necessarily an easy task, but as Dr. Brown states, “Vulnerability is not easy, but it is beautiful.”

So how can you start to change your own feelings of shame or doubt? One good practice is to journal- jotting brief notes when one of these thoughts enters in. Think about the details of the thought, where it came from, when you started having these thoughts, what things bring that thought back to the forefront of the mind. Looking back at these notes, begin to see what evidence actually exists to support the negative thoughts, beyond your perceptions. Are these thoughts founded? This practice can help to take the power out of these thoughts. It is also helpful to respond to each negative thought by forcing your mind to affirm something true and positive about yourself- especially if it challenges the doubtful thought. Surround yourself with others who are positive and are interested in connecting in genuine ways. Extend empathy to others who are feeling shame or doubt. As you watch their feelings change, you will see how flexible your thoughts can be. All of these practices will lead to internal acceptance, a sense of peace and an increased ability to be vulnerable with the rest of the world- removing the power that shame and guilt once had over you. And that is the place where dreams become reality- a life without limitations. 

LOVE YOURSELF!