Why You Should Conquer Shame and Guilt- and How to Do It

You know what you want for yourself- your hopes and dreams, goals for yourself- but you doubt your ability to get to that place. Thoughts race through your mind as you think of the odds of what you stand against. Will I be strong enough? Will anyone care or stand behind me? Will I fail? If I fall on my face, how will I handle the ridicule, the mocking, the shame? An old familiar twinge burns in the pit of your stomach as you recall the last time you tried to defy the odds against you or remember the  hurtful words of someone telling you that you were stupid, too slow, too young, too old, too weak, too eager, not eager enough, etc. and a blanket of doubt covers you with a crippling weight.

Stuck. Paralyzed. Frustrated. Defeated. You resign yourself to go another day without reaching for what you truly want. And as the years go on, the doubts grow in number, accompanied with the sting of regret for not having taken a chance on yourself earlier. Isn’t it too late now?

If you have experienced anything close to these feelings, these words are for you. Many of us have experienced moments of shame (I am bad) or feel guilty about choices we have or have not made (I did something bad). We punish ourselves in various ways- avoiding investing in our dreams, telling ourselves hateful things, numbing out the pain of these feelings by using substances, over eating, spending money on distractions, isolating ourselves from others to minimize the risk of pain if we were to be rejected by someone else. All the while not acknowledging the fact that we cannot pick and choose which feelings we numb, ultimately leaving ourselves unable to feel joy, passion, pride, happiness or peace at the same time (Brown, 2010).

What if all of this pain was actually self-inflicted? A giant system of internal lies that has the ability to paralyze and damage? That would be something to get angry about- something to fight against and to work to defeat.  Research shows us that these feelings of shame and guilt are only as strong as the perception of the problem. We see this through history as perceptions on values and lifestyles change and that which seemed shameful- a working woman/mother for example- is now perceived as a sign of strength and selflessness by many. If our perceptions change about ourselves, the power of negative thinking becomes weaker each moment.

Dr. Brene Brown has dedicated her professional research to studying human behavior related to shame, guilt and vulnerability and offers a great deal of insight on the topic. Calling shame the ‘swampland of the soul’, Dr. Brown defines shame as being the fear of being disconnected from others, explaining that connection is why human beings exist and what gives meaning to lives. When a person feels they have made a mistake in some way, the fear of being seen as unworthy to be connected with by others results in the feeling of shame- a mental process that happens entirely inside one’s mind and relies purely on the perception of others. Dr. Brown’s research argues that people who consistently identified as having a large sense of love and belonging were also those that scored highly on feeling they were worth that love and belonging. Without the internal perception of being worth being loved, shame was present and individuals remained disconnected from others.

Dr. Brown also argues that these internal doubtful thoughts lead people to resist making themselves vulnerable with others. To admit they have made a mistake, that someone else has a better idea or is more effective, presents a risk for many as they fear being ridiculed and found to be unworthy of connection with others. 

The birthplace of healing and defeat of internal shame begins with allowing one self to be vulnerable, and to extend compassion and empathy to others as well. Once more people become willing to be vulnerable as well, they begin to truly see one another for who they really are and the strongest connections are able to form. We see this in strong long-term relationships, but often the vulnerability within these relationships was not offered willingly, but is the result of being around the same person for such a long time that you have witnessed the other’s weaknesses- such as the life long friend who ‘knows too much’ to ever leave. Healing and courage is strongest when people are willing to be vulnerable on their own, acknowledging that the internal doubting thoughts of ‘shame’ are lies and should be ignored. This is not necessarily an easy task, but as Dr. Brown states, “Vulnerability is not easy, but it is beautiful.”

So how can you start to change your own feelings of shame or doubt? One good practice is to journal- jotting brief notes when one of these thoughts enters in. Think about the details of the thought, where it came from, when you started having these thoughts, what things bring that thought back to the forefront of the mind. Looking back at these notes, begin to see what evidence actually exists to support the negative thoughts, beyond your perceptions. Are these thoughts founded? This practice can help to take the power out of these thoughts. It is also helpful to respond to each negative thought by forcing your mind to affirm something true and positive about yourself- especially if it challenges the doubtful thought. Surround yourself with others who are positive and are interested in connecting in genuine ways. Extend empathy to others who are feeling shame or doubt. As you watch their feelings change, you will see how flexible your thoughts can be. All of these practices will lead to internal acceptance, a sense of peace and an increased ability to be vulnerable with the rest of the world- removing the power that shame and guilt once had over you. And that is the place where dreams become reality- a life without limitations. 

LOVE YOURSELF!