When you struggle with Faith

For those who may not know much about me, my family has been involved with the Christian church throughout all of my life. My father is a pastor for the protestant United Methodist Church and has been since I was in elementary school. I enjoyed the innocence of youth for as long as possible, but existential questions continued to periodically disturb me. I recall being unable to go back to sleep as a youth, talking on the couch with my mother about worries that Heaven may not even exist and fears that religion was just a giant story that made people feel better when they feared having a meaningless life. Yes- my mother did not have it easy!

Her response was always a calm confidence, a subtle shrug of the shoulder as she stated that she just never doubted the existence of God and Heaven and that she has always concretely and securely held the Bible to be the true word of God. I found a comfort in her confidence, but it never lasted long as I was painfully aware that even my mother was simply a human and was capable of error.

So what do you do when you struggle with your faith? Do you find yourself coming to a cross roads in your mind, attempting to deliberate what is factual and what is fantasy? Do you ever find the concept of faith requiring blind trust to be just a bit too convenient? Do you ever feel that shame is used to keep minds from inquiring or asking too many questions? Do you ever feel that you would be a better human if you could just blindly trust?

Because I have felt that way. And I don't think it makes any sense.

In fact, if God created us humans in His image, our curiosity and probing thoughts are most likely by the Creator's design and something quite intentional. I feel more convicted of this reality when considering how common the experience of either avoiding existential thoughts/debates or struggling through such thoughts is for all of us. Why would all humans (or at least many humans) have this same experience if it was not intended?

Consider your own parenting techniques- or the way you were parented or educated if you have not attempted to raise your own children. We encourage curiosity, an inquisitive nature, in our children. We want them to learn from mistakes- to not fear making mistakes. We understand that there are some lessons that cannot be taught with words alone and that experiences must be included. We recognize that things written as knowledge are often temporary and should be updated and amended as new discoveries are made in this world. I often hear myself challenging students I have taught or clients I work with to attempt to prove their opposition's points instead of only focusing on proving their own view. My argument here is that this practice will either expose one's own biases or deepen one's convictions- but either way, the effort put in to this process will deepen understanding and lead to a more ethical and fair existence.

Now imagine your child growing just as you lead them to and they come to you, questioning what you have taught them- attempting to argue against the values and beliefs you have raised them with. Maybe you have already experienced this. How do you respond? Do you shame them for questioning your integrity or validity? Do you reject them due to their lack of steadfast faith in your teachings? Unfortunately, I am aware that many parents and teachers do just those things, but of course those choices are bad. Hopefully, if one is not a hypocrite and actually desires to encourage growth instead of stifle it, a parent in that position must welcome this argument and value their child for examining so closely.

And if God is my father, and so infinitely stronger than I, I am certain He welcomes my doubts and my questioning. I am certain that He does not feel threatened by my questions or struggles- why would He? Is the existence of God diminished in any way by one questioning it or saying that it is not real? Of course not.

In fact, I feel that God's intentional design for all of us to inherently question in our existence is a giant gift to us all- a level of freedom that He wants us all to have. He did not have to give us the ability to think in such ways. He has designed so many other creatures and organisms in this world that do not have the burden of these thoughts. Only us, created in His image.

I wonder next what His intention must be with having us struggle with Faith. I doubt any of our design is by accident as all of Creation is so beautifully constructed. Is it to evaluate our religion? To examine our leaders to ensure they are actually following God's design for our lives? To model a way of living that requires analysis and appraisal and critical thought before moving forward? A way to connect us all as we ponder and discuss these things? God and religion are not mutually exclusive in my opinion. I have been too intimately connected with too many 'religious' people who were corrupt and abusive of their position.

Now, I am not saying that all religious leaders are corrupt, but I have developed a healthy need to closely examine any religious institution or individuals I connect with. I heard it said many times before that the biggest barrier for other's to come to Christ are 'Christians', and unfortunately I think this has much truth to it. If you have ever struggled with your faith and come to a church or religious individual to talk about this and experienced shame or a smug display of unrelenting steadfast faith, you likely know what I am talking about.

I believe God wants us to ask questions- he so often engages in questioning dialogue with his children in scripture. And my response to 'struggling' with my faith is to re-frame that and to cease considering it a 'struggle', but instead to embrace the constant questioning and exploration that living a faithful life brings. The very fact that people feel the need to say they 'struggle with faith' implies it should be easy if only they were somehow 'better' at being a faithful person. I suggest we all challenge our Faith routinely, examining our thoughts and ensuring we know what exactly we believe and why we believe it. I won't struggle with that.

When a haircut isn't "JUST" a haircut

I'm not sure about all of you, but I have struggled being over weight since I was in elementary school. This has lead to a life of "lessons" given to me (many not asked for) about what I should or should not do with my appearance. Certain outfits, colors, jewelry, hair cuts, make up and activities just "didn't flatter" me. For a long time, I accepted this, adopting a mentality of inferiority, trusting that those that were thinner were somehow more qualified than me to know what was best for big women.

Then I started to see this change in the world around me.. over weight women designing more clothes and looks that met the honest needs and desires of curvy women who don't want to wait to feel great about their look. And I realized soon after that the largest difference between myself and these women was CONFIDENCE.

So I began making changes in small ways here and there in my thoughts, realizing that most of the time the message that an outfit wasn't for "someone like me" were coming from my own mind. That nonsense needed to stop!

One of those changes I made was with my hair.. I have always been told that round faces don't mix with short hair and that it wouldn't "frame my face well".. code for "may make you look bigger". Through this process, I decided it is my life and I should stop living in fear. So I chopped it off!

I loved how it felt but didn't know how to style it at first.. checked out some tutorials and started using this straightener product, and I love it!

So, what's the point of this story? That a 'hair cut' isn't always just a 'hair cut'. That we doubt ourselves and place our own limits on ourselves. That you should go for 'it'! Whatever your 'it' may be!

Why You Should Conquer Shame and Guilt- and How to Do It

You know what you want for yourself- your hopes and dreams, goals for yourself- but you doubt your ability to get to that place. Thoughts race through your mind as you think of the odds of what you stand against. Will I be strong enough? Will anyone care or stand behind me? Will I fail? If I fall on my face, how will I handle the ridicule, the mocking, the shame? An old familiar twinge burns in the pit of your stomach as you recall the last time you tried to defy the odds against you or remember the  hurtful words of someone telling you that you were stupid, too slow, too young, too old, too weak, too eager, not eager enough, etc. and a blanket of doubt covers you with a crippling weight.

Stuck. Paralyzed. Frustrated. Defeated. You resign yourself to go another day without reaching for what you truly want. And as the years go on, the doubts grow in number, accompanied with the sting of regret for not having taken a chance on yourself earlier. Isn’t it too late now?

If you have experienced anything close to these feelings, these words are for you. Many of us have experienced moments of shame (I am bad) or feel guilty about choices we have or have not made (I did something bad). We punish ourselves in various ways- avoiding investing in our dreams, telling ourselves hateful things, numbing out the pain of these feelings by using substances, over eating, spending money on distractions, isolating ourselves from others to minimize the risk of pain if we were to be rejected by someone else. All the while not acknowledging the fact that we cannot pick and choose which feelings we numb, ultimately leaving ourselves unable to feel joy, passion, pride, happiness or peace at the same time (Brown, 2010).

What if all of this pain was actually self-inflicted? A giant system of internal lies that has the ability to paralyze and damage? That would be something to get angry about- something to fight against and to work to defeat.  Research shows us that these feelings of shame and guilt are only as strong as the perception of the problem. We see this through history as perceptions on values and lifestyles change and that which seemed shameful- a working woman/mother for example- is now perceived as a sign of strength and selflessness by many. If our perceptions change about ourselves, the power of negative thinking becomes weaker each moment.

Dr. Brene Brown has dedicated her professional research to studying human behavior related to shame, guilt and vulnerability and offers a great deal of insight on the topic. Calling shame the ‘swampland of the soul’, Dr. Brown defines shame as being the fear of being disconnected from others, explaining that connection is why human beings exist and what gives meaning to lives. When a person feels they have made a mistake in some way, the fear of being seen as unworthy to be connected with by others results in the feeling of shame- a mental process that happens entirely inside one’s mind and relies purely on the perception of others. Dr. Brown’s research argues that people who consistently identified as having a large sense of love and belonging were also those that scored highly on feeling they were worth that love and belonging. Without the internal perception of being worth being loved, shame was present and individuals remained disconnected from others.

Dr. Brown also argues that these internal doubtful thoughts lead people to resist making themselves vulnerable with others. To admit they have made a mistake, that someone else has a better idea or is more effective, presents a risk for many as they fear being ridiculed and found to be unworthy of connection with others. 

The birthplace of healing and defeat of internal shame begins with allowing one self to be vulnerable, and to extend compassion and empathy to others as well. Once more people become willing to be vulnerable as well, they begin to truly see one another for who they really are and the strongest connections are able to form. We see this in strong long-term relationships, but often the vulnerability within these relationships was not offered willingly, but is the result of being around the same person for such a long time that you have witnessed the other’s weaknesses- such as the life long friend who ‘knows too much’ to ever leave. Healing and courage is strongest when people are willing to be vulnerable on their own, acknowledging that the internal doubting thoughts of ‘shame’ are lies and should be ignored. This is not necessarily an easy task, but as Dr. Brown states, “Vulnerability is not easy, but it is beautiful.”

So how can you start to change your own feelings of shame or doubt? One good practice is to journal- jotting brief notes when one of these thoughts enters in. Think about the details of the thought, where it came from, when you started having these thoughts, what things bring that thought back to the forefront of the mind. Looking back at these notes, begin to see what evidence actually exists to support the negative thoughts, beyond your perceptions. Are these thoughts founded? This practice can help to take the power out of these thoughts. It is also helpful to respond to each negative thought by forcing your mind to affirm something true and positive about yourself- especially if it challenges the doubtful thought. Surround yourself with others who are positive and are interested in connecting in genuine ways. Extend empathy to others who are feeling shame or doubt. As you watch their feelings change, you will see how flexible your thoughts can be. All of these practices will lead to internal acceptance, a sense of peace and an increased ability to be vulnerable with the rest of the world- removing the power that shame and guilt once had over you. And that is the place where dreams become reality- a life without limitations. 

LOVE YOURSELF!

Social Justice

Pardon my progress! This area is still being developed. Please come back soon to check out more updates!

To have overall happiness, addressing physical health issues as well as emotional issues has to be a priority. Sometimes this is much easier said than done! I know that has been very true for me throughout my life. I work now as a mental health therapist and love to learn more from others about ways to release emotional 'road blocks' for myself as well as for others. To feel open to have joy and happiness without wearing the weight of guilt and shame- this is the happiest personal feeling I have ever had.

I know what it is to feel insignificant- even worthless. To doubt oneself so highly that you don't know how to go on for another day. To feel lost inside oneself somehow- to feel you don't even know who you are. And thankfully, I was able to find guidance and love to realize the beauty within the design of my life, no matter the pain and struggles that may come along. I strive to offer that same guidance for others and feel blessed if I am able to help in any way. We all need one another, and there is no weakness in that. I want to shout that from the mountains after all of the years I have witnessed hundreds hold on to the same thought- that needing help from others was shameful, was wrong, was weak- needing one another is how we are designed. It is not a weakness. 

This area is dedicated to topics related to reaching better health- both physically and emotionally. Sharing thoughts and discussing feelings is a wonderful thing- I welcome all of that! 

Why You Should Conquer Shame and Guilt- and How to Do It

You know what you want for yourself- your hopes and dreams, goals for yourself- but you doubt your ability to get to that place. Thoughts race through your mind as you think of the odds of what you stand against. Will I be strong enough? Will anyone care or stand behind me? Will I fail? If I fall on my face, how will I handle the ridicule, the mocking, the shame? An old familiar twinge burns in the pit of your stomach as you recall the last time you tried to defy the odds against you or remember the  hurtful words of someone telling you that you were stupid, too slow, too young, too old, too weak, too eager, not eager enough, etc. and a blanket of doubt covers you with a crippling weight.

Stuck. Paralyzed. Frustrated. Defeated. You resign yourself to go another day without reaching for what you truly want. And as the years go on, the doubts grow in number, accompanied with the sting of regret for not having taken a chance on yourself earlier. Isn’t it too late now?

If you have experienced anything close to these feelings, these words are for you. Many of us have experienced moments of shame (I am bad) or feel guilty about choices we have or have not made (I did something bad). We punish ourselves in various ways- avoiding investing in our dreams, telling ourselves hateful things, numbing out the pain of these feelings by using substances, over eating, spending money on distractions, isolating ourselves from others to minimize the risk of pain if we were to be rejected by someone else. All the while not acknowledging the fact that we cannot pick and choose which feelings we numb, ultimately leaving ourselves unable to feel joy, passion, pride, happiness or peace at the same time (Brown, 2010).

What if all of this pain was actually self-inflicted? A giant system of internal lies that has the ability to paralyze and damage? That would be something to get angry about- something to fight against and to work to defeat.  Research shows us that these feelings of shame and guilt are only as strong as the perception of the problem. We see this through history as perceptions on values and lifestyles change and that which seemed shameful- a working woman/mother for example- is now perceived as a sign of strength and selflessness by many. If our perceptions change about ourselves, the power of negative thinking becomes weaker each moment.

Dr. Brene Brown has dedicated her professional research to studying human behavior related to shame, guilt and vulnerability and offers a great deal of insight on the topic. Calling shame the ‘swampland of the soul’, Dr. Brown defines shame as being the fear of being disconnected from others, explaining that connection is why human beings exist and what gives meaning to lives. When a person feels they have made a mistake in some way, the fear of being seen as unworthy to be connected with by others results in the feeling of shame- a mental process that happens entirely inside one’s mind and relies purely on the perception of others. Dr. Brown’s research argues that people who consistently identified as having a large sense of love and belonging were also those that scored highly on feeling they were worth that love and belonging. Without the internal perception of being worth being loved, shame was present and individuals remained disconnected from others.

Dr. Brown also argues that these internal doubtful thoughts lead people to resist making themselves vulnerable with others. To admit they have made a mistake, that someone else has a better idea or is more effective, presents a risk for many as they fear being ridiculed and found to be unworthy of connection with others. 

The birthplace of healing and defeat of internal shame begins with allowing one self to be vulnerable, and to extend compassion and empathy to others as well. Once more people become willing to be vulnerable as well, they begin to truly see one another for who they really are and the strongest connections are able to form. We see this in strong long-term relationships, but often the vulnerability within these relationships was not offered willingly, but is the result of being around the same person for such a long time that you have witnessed the other’s weaknesses- such as the life long friend who ‘knows too much’ to ever leave. Healing and courage is strongest when people are willing to be vulnerable on their own, acknowledging that the internal doubting thoughts of ‘shame’ are lies and should be ignored. This is not necessarily an easy task, but as Dr. Brown states, “Vulnerability is not easy, but it is beautiful.”

So how can you start to change your own feelings of shame or doubt? One good practice is to journal- jotting brief notes when one of these thoughts enters in. Think about the details of the thought, where it came from, when you started having these thoughts, what things bring that thought back to the forefront of the mind. Looking back at these notes, begin to see what evidence actually exists to support the negative thoughts, beyond your perceptions. Are these thoughts founded? This practice can help to take the power out of these thoughts. It is also helpful to respond to each negative thought by forcing your mind to affirm something true and positive about yourself- especially if it challenges the doubtful thought. Surround yourself with others who are positive and are interested in connecting in genuine ways. Extend empathy to others who are feeling shame or doubt. As you watch their feelings change, you will see how flexible your thoughts can be. All of these practices will lead to internal acceptance, a sense of peace and an increased ability to be vulnerable with the rest of the world- removing the power that shame and guilt once had over you. And that is the place where dreams become reality- a life without limitations. 

LOVE YOURSELF!

Kick off to Summer 2016

If you are like our family, this time of year is a very exciting time! The weather keeps getting warms, kids are out of school and it's time for relaxation and more time together! With my husband and I both working out of the home, spending time together as an entire family is tragically difficult. There have been entire seasons and even years of my children's lives where my duties outside of the home have resulted in leaving the house before they are out of bed in the morning and coming back after they have gone to bed. For anyone who has ever been in a similar situation, I am praying for you for strength and courage, because I have never known a more trying situation. Having the opportunity for everyone to have a bit more flexibility in their schedules was something we were so excited about, and we decided we needed to celebrate with a 'Kick Off to Summer' family getaway weekend. Our oldest (my step-son Sebastian) was with his mom for the weekend, so we had to find an activity that would be close enough to drive to easily, would not be extremely expensive and would entertain a six and three year old.. while not making a fourteen your old broken-hearted after missing the weekend. After researching several places, we decided on the Legoland Activity Center located in Schaumburg, IL! For anyone who has been to this location before, they can tell you this place has a lot to offer for a weekend away- close to Chicago, tons of hotels, shops, restaurants, and attractions and reasonably priced. Plus there is IKEA!! Always fun as well.

The kids LOVED Legoland and this was an excellent way for us to spend the day together, laughing, building, exploring and playing together. I am not being compensated in any way for this review- I just genuinely think it was a great place! Very creative and clean but also something we felt we completely explored within 4 hours, which is not too exhausting for parents and/or little ones. This also allowed for time shopping together and spending some much needed relaxation time in the hotel, playing games together and swimming. One of my favorite memories growing up were the trips our family would take to hotels with no other real agenda then to spend time at the pool and hanging out playing games in the hotel room. Always felt like such an adventure growing up and it was just a wonderful warm and glowing feeling being able to pass on that tradition with my little ones this weekend. What a wonderful and fun time we had!

'Adulting': Building a Legacy

One of the areas in my life that have been the most intimidating over the years has been facing the fact that I no longer have the ability to lean on my parents for support. While I have always been an independent spirit and often liked to tell myself that I did not really 'need' my parents, I undoubtedly used their proximity and resources to get myself out of many a pickle in my young adulthood. Somehow labeling this dependence as something else in order to not face the fact that I was not fully taking responsibility for myself, I managed to abuse their assistance without much internal conflict or feelings of guilt. In fact, I was very entitled to my ability to reach out in the darkness for my parents' hands and find them ever-willing and able to take hold and fix my mistakes- or at least make the asphalt a bit more gentle as I smacked down on to the reality of life's consequences.

It wasn't until I became a parent - actually not for several years after becoming a step-parent- that I fully stopped hiding from the relentless call of responsibility that is sometimes affectionately referred to as 'adulting'. I remember being a mouthy and bratty adolescent sitting in the back of my father's Buick Lesabre on one of the hundreds of marathon Sundays spent going from church service to church service and then waiting for what seemed like eternity in the back seat with my sister, bored to tears as my father socialized with many of his church members- and for some reason on this particular day, I felt especially entitled to my father's time and resources. I remember brazenly lecturing my father that once he had children, things stopped being about 'him' and became about his children before everything else. Somehow, my parents did not murder me, but my prophetic words wrapped around my mind like the tingling sensation in your legs after they've fallen asleep and are coming back to life-- 'it isn't about 'you' anymore Lisa.. not even a little bit. You have three children. Get over it and get to work. It's time to be a big kid now.'.

So, forever a social worker first, once resigned that there were no more 'forebearances' I could take on stepping up to the plate full-time on handling this adulthood thing, I decided to 'reframe' the process from something that was conceived of negatively towards a positive opportunity. My optimistic reframing for the task of handling things as an adult (alone with my husband and without reaching out for anyone else to shield or postpone the duty) is that I am accepting the opportunity to develop a wonderful legacy for my children and for generations that may follow in the future. A legacy of responsibility, caution, bravery, promptness, preparedness, sober rationale used to make the best decision possible in situations- a legacy of strength. With any luck, I might be able to create this legacy without sacrificing so many other principles that I also value and also want to be part of the legacy I create. That balance is something I have not mastered yet, but I feel like I'm beginning to understand more each year. So, here's to facing my stuff, with my chin stuck out and with determination in my heart!

Principles Worth Protecting

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Lisa and this blog is my effort to explore the areas of this life that I find mean the most. After spending the first decade of my adulthood jumping from cause to cause, feeling often confused about what I stood for and what this life is actually about, I realized there were some principles and values that remained consistently vital and precious in my life. Faith, the institution of marriage, parenting, the sanctuary of the home, politics, social justice and the need for humility and kindness became evident to be principles that must be protected in my life in order to realize the purpose I believe my creator has for me on this planet.

In many ways, understanding my personal values clearly has been a source of relief as these values serve as a sort of 'litmus test' when making otherwise difficult decisions. In other ways, being committed to specific values has also brought some loss in to my life as I have learned how today's world often seems to welcome passivity and avoidance over passion and honesty. Often I have encountered people or institutions that I have respected and trusted to stand idly by as injustices have taken place, under the guise of 'political correctness'. These observances initially confused me, leaving me to feel baffled and pained as I attempted to resolve the conflict within my mind between my initial perception and the eventual reality of these people and institutions. What did it mean about my on-going involvement with them? How did my belief in the importance of self-determination and the ability to speak and think freely in this world impact my belief in advocacy for social justice or the family? When was it time to step in and when was it really none of my business? I am sure that such conflicts of conscious are not new and have likely troubled many others throughout all of human history, and I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in feeling unclear, knowing that others have faced the same situation and somehow navigated those murky waters. I also have realized that acknowledging the fact that things are not simple and that there truly are some subjects that cannot be swept under the rug, feels much closer to personal honesty and integrity than any of the years I spent avoiding my role in protecting and preserving certain principles in this world.

Ultimately, this internal journey towards personal understanding and growth has lead me to thirst for more information and insight from others who may be able to guide me further- whether clarifying what is best to do- or not to do- in the future. I have become increasingly dedicated to exploring the insight of others through reading blogs, personal observation, questioning, researching areas I have previously been ignorant about to better understand the world around me and so on. It occurred to me that I ought to pursue a discipline of blogging about this process myself- a practice that could invite feedback and potential insight from others while also allowing me a medium to review my progress and perceptions over time. And thus, this blog was born and I am sitting here today writing this, both excited and skeptical about what may come from clicking 'publish' today. I shall click and see..